Sperm banks allow you to search for a babydaddy as if you are looking for a new home. Criteria you can checkmark to narrow your search include height (at least 6'2” of course!), eye color, hair color, hair texture, body type, educational level, ancestral origin (Belorussian only, please!), and which celebrity he kinda sorta resembles. I'll take a mix between George Clooney and Russel Crowe.
My
first hour or so on the site, looking at the profiles of really tall,
blond, blue-eyed, Ph.D candidates who like to do the Iron Man in
their spare time, I wondered why I ever bothered to try to find a
babydaddy any other way. If you're in the market for genetic material
to create offspring, this little slice of sanctioned eugenics is a
smorgasbord of dreamy babies.
The
California Cryobank sells itself on the high quality of its available
semen. This is from their website:
“First
and foremost, we actively recruit donors from top US universities who
must meet our basic requirements:
- Must be at least 5'9" or taller
- Between 19-38 years old
- Attending a 4-year University or holding a Bachelor's or Advanced Degree
- Must be in good health
- Legally allowed to work in the US
But
that's not all, they assure us. Their emphasis in bold:
“Again,
these are only our
basic requirements. Those who meet these requirements may then be
considered to move onto the next step which is our qualification
process; the standards of which see only 1% of applicants ultimately
accepted into our donor
sperm program.
Our qualification process conforms to our unwavering benchmarks by
which potential sperm donations are measured and includes everything
from extensive medical testing to genetic screening that allow for
the best insemination procedures further down the road.”
And
you thought getting into Harvard was hard.
The
Cryobank puts together an extensive profile of each donor as well. He
must write an essay about himself, his likes, interests, and
personality. There is also a “Facts and Figures” form that asks
him his grade point average all the way back to high school, what kind of mechanical skills
he has, mathematical abilities, what hobbies and sports he enjoys, his
favorite food, favorite animal, special talents, where he wants to
travel and how he expresses his creativity. Making stained glass stands was an interesting one.
In
addition to the self-reporting part of the donor profile, the staff
also submits their impressions. (What, do they not screen for liars in that harrowing qualification process?)
Here's my favorite:
“This
donor might possibly be the happiest person on the planet! His
cheerfulness is so
contagious;
you just can’t help but smile when his beaming face comes through
the door. This
donor’s
personality is most definitely a rare find. I don’t think I’ve
ever met someone who is
so
genuinely joyful and appreciative of what life has to offer. This
donor is definitely cute. He
has
flawless skin, bright blue eyes, and a big smile. His teeth are white
and straight, with a
small
gap between the front two teeth, which adds to his character. This
donor is SO tall and
has
a broad frame. He keeps his body in shape by skiing competitively and
playing soccer
in
his free time. Not only is this donor optimistic and fun to be
around, he’s also extremely
intelligent.
His thought processes are mathematically and scientifically driven,
and he’s all
about
the facts. He is a well-read and open-minded individual with a vast
vocabulary that
never
fails to impress. This donor seems to have it all: the personality,
the looks, and the
brains.
The best part about him is that despite all of these great qualities,
he doesn’t think
that
he is better than anyone else. Don’t hesitate if you’re
considering this donor--he really
is
as great as he sounds.”
I
was immediately ready to impregnate! Give me my gorgeous-happy-superbaby now!
But
after spending multiple hours imaging (stress on “imagining”) how
these strangers might mix with my genes, I'm beginning to wonder about
the things that aren't knowable from someone's stats or a biased
staff member's quick first impressions.
Weird
ticks, oddly-shapen fingers, disproportionately skinny calves. What
about all the stuff he wasn't sharing about himself? A compelling
obsession with dead cats, his hatred of all things chocolate, an
inability to feel the rhythm of the beat.
I
feel uncertain about trusting a for-profit sperm bank to tell me the
full, unadulterated truth about their donors. Even if they did, that
does not change the fact I can never really know what these men
might impart to our child.
Of
course that's the case no matter how we breed. Babies are always a genetic crap shoot. Demon children are born to saints.
Beautiful creatures spring from low-down dirty bastards. Some of the
greatest people who ever lived would never have been born if their parents had been
caught up in designing the perfect baby.
Part of falling in love and wanting to have a child with someone
involves wanting to see the parts you love about each other live on
in someone else. We valued these traits in each other, and we want
our children to have them also. It's a big step in the mating practice of humans. Sperm donation skips that part.
But I
wish I could meet the sperm donors and get to know them a little bit.
I want to interact with them, hear their voice, see the real shade of blue in
their eyes, see what makes them laugh. I want to get a palpable sense of their personality, base level of
happiness, their emotional depth and all sort intangibles that are only knowable by spending
time with someone face-to-face.
Maybe I should try to find my babydaddy on an internet dating site. Perhaps I could meet someone who is also in a hurry to have a child. We
won't have to go through the process of dating and deciding if we
want to be a couple. Maybe we could just work out some sort of
arrangement to co-parent the child.
But
at what point do I pitch this wild and unusual idea to the
prospective guy who's probably looking for a girlfriend or at least someone to hanky panky with? How would I ease a good potential father into the
concept? Would someone report me to match.com for abusing the system?
Then
another writer and blogger, www.onewayoramother.com, who specializes in midlife motherhood,
alerted me to a site www.modamily.com that specifically brings together people who want a child but not the coupledom.
Wow. A whole
new option just opened up for me to explore... I love progress.
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