The Growing Tribe of Late Moms

I very rarely meet women my age and older who don't have kids. When I do, I cling to them like a newfound soul mate. I want to know why, how they feel about it now, the pros, the cons, the fun and freedom it allows and any sad moments or regrets they endure.

Our tribe is still small, but we are growing in numbers. A generation ago, less than 10 percent of women arrived in their 40s childless. Now that figure has doubled – one in five American women slide into their 40s with no children in tow. And my generation is the one transitioning our 40-and-childless kind from total oddball anomalies to a small minority “trend.”

The opposite side of that coin, however, is that more and more women in their 40s are trying to become moms for the first time. That also is a trend, making our age-group the fastest growing segment of women having babies. Generations past, few women tried to have children past 40. Now many of us in the growing tribe of childless are hoping to slip into motherhood before the door slams shut on our fallopian tubes.

Obviously, there are a variety of reasons why we didn't pop out babies in our 20s and 30s. Some women simply cannot have their own children, and decide not to adopt or have a child with a donor-egg's genetic code. Some of us chose not to have children. I have friends who are adamant about their lack of interest in being a mother. They are lucky to feel so confident about the choice. Most of us, unfortunately, feel much more uncertainty and anxiety about the “to be or not to be a mother” choice.

In previous generations, getting married and becoming a mother was one of a very few options for women. But by 1970, the year of my birth, women's lib was in a breathless rant. We were raised from little girls to believe we could do anything and everything with our lives. We could pursue any career. We could be independent, earn our own paychecks, make our own decisions. We didn't need a man. A popular coffee mug quote from the era was: Women need a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Getting married and having children was just one part of the exciting package of our future lives – but only if we wanted and when we wanted it. Somehow, that “family” part would fit itself into everything else we wanted to do...only later. For many of us who took that to heart, we chose to focus on our careers and independent lives instead of settling down to create a family.

In my 20s when I was first building my career as a journalist, I knew I did not want children yet. But I definitely wanted marriage and children at “some point.” I often imagined grand plans on how I would raise them. Oh, the things we would do!

I've seen enough interviews with childless older women to know many of them shared the same thought process as me. We delayed having children for a variety of reasons – to focus on our careers, find the right mate, choose the right time, stabilize our finances, etc., etc., etc. But then we crashed up against our 40s childless. All the different elements we wanted in place before we brought baby into the world had not materialized. Things had not gone as hoped. And now we are left without those children we imagined. It's a sad moment to experience. For those of us who never imagined it would occur, it's a true shock. Has this really happened to me? Am I really one of those women who never had children?

Put bluntly, I don't want to be one of those women. I never ever saw myself as one of those women. So I don't want to accept that as my life. I don't think there's anything wrong with not having children. In fact, I admire women who embrace it. I just don't want that life for me. Or rather I want a different life, with a family, for me. When I think about failing to get that family, I shudder with fear. I imagine the regrets and sadness and loneliness I know I will feel when I think of the children who never came into my life.

That sadness and regret might still be my fate if I find out I really did wait too long, but until that answer is definitive, I feel I must do what I can to keep the door open in my life for those children I have been imagining for so many years.