Occasionally,
my oh-so-measured, thoughtful and patient perspective fails me and
I'm subsumed by rage at my imperfect situation. A confluence of
events or thoughts or moods will set me off down a resentful,
regretful, growling path of anger. Ready?
I
am angry that I chose the wrong man to marry. I'm angry that I stayed
with him too long. I'm angry that the relationship stole my most
fertile years. I'm angry that it left me so financial insecure I
still cannot feel confident about bringing a child into my world.
I'm
angry that I let myself fall in love with and build roots with
someone else who does not want another child. I'm angry that I
clearly don't know how to plan my life well. I'm angry that I didn't
realize years ago how much I'd want a baby now. I'm angry I didn't
freeze my eggs earlier. I'm angry that I haven't done the right
things to create a life secure enough to raise a child. I'm angry
that I didn't realize or ignored that I needed to be seriously
thinking and planning for that years ago.
I'm angry that I was raised
to believe I could pursue any life or ambition I wanted and it would
All
Be OK
if I worked hard enough. I'm angry I believed fate would be kind to
me and magic would give me what I wanted. I'm angry that my women's
lib education never included a chapter about planning to fit a child
into my life, a chapter that would include straight talk about
fertility and the very real dangers of staying too long with Mr.
Wrong. I'm angry that I for too long chose what I thought was love
over my own desires and needs and better judgment.
I'm
angry at the passage of time. I'm angry that I'm aging. I'm angry
that my body is losing its buoyancy and fertility. I'm angry that my
energy level and time is limited. I'm angry that I will be
approaching old age when my child, even if I have one tomorrow,
graduates from college. I'm angry that I'll likely not see my
grandchildren become adults.
I'm
angry at the influence fear has had on my decisions and subsequently
my life. I'm angry that I can't or don't know how to do more to make
my situation better. I'm angry at the imperfection of life, and the
fact that we have to learn to accept the things we cannot change. I'm
angry that I'm disappointed.
Whew.
Do you feel better now, too? It's always good to let it out.
I post
this rant with great reluctance because it's not normally how I feel
about my life. The rage is like a mean thunderstrom that passes
through my pscyhe. It thrashes and booms and blows, but then it goes
away and the sun comes back out. I return to feeling OK, albeit not
thrilled, with How Things Are.
But
if I'm being completely honest about my experience on this blog, and that's the idea here, I
must share the dark and ugly of it as well as the hopeful and happy.
This is not a walk down the yellow brick road. Wait, that passes
through the Witch's Wicked Forest, doesn't it? Well, my point
exactly. We all run into our malicious haggish selves sometimes, but if we're courageous we find ways to melt her.
Love this post! I heard recently an interview with Claire Messud about her new book Woman Upstairs. She talked about how important (and unacknowledged) anger is for women. You might like the book. Sounds like it touches on similar themes!
ReplyDeleteI bought that book a few weeks ago! Haven't started reading but it's on my nightstand...
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