Basically,
these new websites, set up like dating websites, match men and women
who are ready to have a child, but are not in traditional
relationships of mother-father-let's-make-a-baby. The potential
biological parents then meet, discuss co-parenting arrangements,
financial responsibilities, parenting values, etc. It's a date
without the romance. Ideally, that means more level heads will
prevail. There is no need to wonder if you can wake up with this
person the rest of your life. This is just about creating a safe,
loving, supportive home life – two of them – for a child.
There
are several new social network sites offering wannabe parents this
new way to connect. Modamily.com, coparents.com,
myalternativefamily.com and co-parentmatch.com.
I
joined one to try it out. Within a few hours, I received info about a
few men not too far from my home who are looking to co-parent with
someone. From their profiles, they seemed passionate about becoming
fathers.
Here's an example:
“We're
searching for a nice, loving woman or lesbian couple to become
co-parents with us. We are in our mid-30s, are completely healthy,
responsible and financially secure, and really would love to be
parents and to share the parental duties with another couple. My wife
doesn't have much free time, nor does she really feel the need to be
a biological mother. But I have an incredibly flexible schedule and
would love to be a Dad. I ideally would not just be a sperm donor but
would play a big role in taking care of the child. Some things we
love are travel, sports (esp. tennis, skiing, hiking, and swimming),
music, movies, and games.”
Awwwww. Who wouldn't want him as a father?
Others were single men, like me, whose lives have not unfolded as they
imagined but they don't want to wait around any longer for Mrs.
Right. Some of the profiles really touched my heart. I could feel the guy's
longing for a child, which surprised me. Sometimes I forget that
there are many men out there who also feel they've missed the
boat to become a dad. Women are not alone in this. And their desire
(desperation?) to be fathers compelled them to these sites, hoping
just like women, that it will provide a new option for creating a
family, unusual as it might be. I wish us all luck.
Of
course there are critics. And I'm sure there will be many more if
this trend increases, but the first to come out against co-parenting
liken the situation to setting a child up from birth for the
difficult lifestyle of children of divorce. I agree that having one
stable, loving home might be more ideal, but comparing “parenting
partnerships” to a divorce is not accurate.
Parenting
partnerships start with two people who are so desirous to be a
parent, they are willing to take dramatic out-of-the-box steps and
risk all sorts of critical judgment to do it. That's a motivated,
passionate person. More importantly, a parenting partnership is just
that, a detailed prearranged agreement about who will do what when
and how as a parent. All of it put into writing.
The
cause of much conflict in traditional families (which often leads to
divorce) is differing views on how to raise the children. Many couples
don't discuss it before getting married or having kids. They are
often surprised to discover their partner's differing ideas or level
of engagement in child-rearing.
In
a parenting partnership, the “team” of mother and father can be
more clear-eyed about the ground rules at the very start. Romantic love between mom and
dad is not a complicating factor. It's not even a part of the
picture. Anyone who has a child knows it's a lot of hard work. It's a
job that requires lots of time, focus, organization, planning, long-term strategies
and committed cooperation between parents. That's a whole different
skill set than romantic love. All the work of child-rearing, in fact,
often dampens romantic love between parents.
With
parenting partnerships, mom and dad go into it with the sole focus of
working as a tag team to do the job of raising a child. That's all
that matters. To me, that seems like a good thing for the child.
Of
course, humans can be unpredictable. Unforeseen things can throw all
carefully planned arrangements under the bus. But that is the same
for all ways of creating families. We cannot remove ourselves
completely from the insecurity of life. All we can do is keep moving
forward, using our best judgment in creating the life and the family we want as best
we can. That's all any of us can do in any endeavor.
As
for me, I will begin reaching out to potential parenting partners and
exploring my options there.
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